


Better Left in the Adolescence of Youth

by twoheadlights (fizzfic)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Friends With Benefits, Lots of it, M/M, They are both Sad Boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-13
Packaged: 2018-06-08 04:32:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 14,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6839191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fizzfic/pseuds/twoheadlights
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it was a mistake. dan knew it was a mistake the moment phil had said the words “friends with benefits”. didn’t stop him from agreeing to it though.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> HERE IT IIISSS me and charlotte actually wrote something together finallyyyy :D
> 
> we've both said our bits on the tumblr post which you can see [here](http://phanwich.tumblr.com/post/144305663700/better-left-in-the-adolescence-of-youth)! hope you liiike it and let us know what u think in the comments or both our blogs c: (the mean ones are to go to charlotte thanks)

Dan hums a familiar tune as he buttons his shirt up, following the movements of his hands in his reflection. He's in an unusually good mood and he thinks it stems from the fact that the shirt that he's currently wearing is fancy as _hell_ (not to mention, expensive), but his job came through and now he's wearing a silk shirt and loafers that _his_ hard work paid for and he's almost ready to go meet his former classmates from years ago (not that many years ago though. Twenty four is young.)

There's a childish feeling of pride inside of him because his life right now is so different from what _anyone_ could've imagined for him — even him.

The sound of his phone distracts him from his thoughts. It's a text from Oliver:

**To Dan:**

_Yo yo yo Dan the mAn I’ll be there in 15 minutess alrihtg_

Dan chuckles. They haven't even arrived and Oliver is obviously _gone_.

**From Dan:**

_Yeah yeah of course mate :p_

He puts his phone in his pocket and notices something black in his peripheral vision. It's a book, or more specifically, his yearbook from secondary school. Nostalgia got the best of him and he'd been flipping through it the whole morning and he'd left it on the page of the Year 11 prom. There's a whole spread of different groups in the school stood with their dates, friends, alone, whatever. It doesn't take long for him to find himself among all the bad haircuts and fashion choices though.

They don't look bad at all, compared to everyone else. Dan looks like he's going to throw up but that was _not_ his fault. His eyes roam over the face of the boy next to him, pulling a face at the camera, hand on the back of Dan's neck, the reason for his expression.

Phil Lester. Dan couldn't forget Phil. He was...well, he was a lot of firsts. Dan's first best friend, his first kiss, his first real boyfriend...his first love. Phil was the one who made Dan realise that he likes boys as much as he likes girls, maybe even more. He taught Dan all he knows now, he was there when Dan came out to his parents; yeah, Phil had made an impact, alright.

He doesn't like remembering the break up. It had happened years ago, but something about this reunion, thinking about those times, the memory of Phil's apologetic face just creeps on the corners of his mind. He shuts the yearbook and essentially the bad memories that were threatening to come out and sighs. No time for this. It’s the present, he needs to be in the _now_ if he’s going to survive today.

A car horn sounds outside and he goes over to the window to see if it’s Oliver. As he expected, his best friend’s upper body was still in the cab and he was leaning over the driver's seat to press down the horn. Dan shakes his head, smiling and calls Oliver’s number.

As soon as he picks up, Dan says, “Stop that. I’ll be there in two minutes.”

Oliver looks up and grins at him. “You take forever to get dressed.” He hangs up and jumps back into the backseat.

Dan whispers, even though no one’s there to hear him, “It’s a special occasion.”

-

 _Remember_ , Dan thinks to himself, _don’t talk to Phil. Don’t look at Phil. Don’t even think about him after this moment_.

He follows Oliver into the venue, walking steadily, head held high, a completely different picture to seventeen year old Dan he likes to think. A better picture. Oliver leads him with an arm on a shoulder to a group of vaguely familiar faces. A woman hugs him and a man claps him on the back and Dan lets himself go to the evening. He talks about his job at the local radio station, the opportunities he’d been given because of it, and enjoys the impressed expressions his ex-classmates give him. He laughs at old memories that he seemed to have forgotten.

Half an hour into the socialising and Dan’s tired. He can’t go on without a cocktail in him. So he excuses himself and pushes his way through the crowd to the bar. He immediately turns right round because lo and behold, the one person he doesn’t want to see is there. He ducks his head and is about to make a beeline for the washroom but then -

“DAN! Hey, come over here!”

Well, fuck.

He looks up and just about manages not to grimace. Tightly smiling, he waves at Phil as he walks over to the bar. “Hi.” He says, sitting on the stool next to Phil’s. “Wow.”

“Yeah. Wow.” Phil responds. Dan tries not to stare too much but he can’t help it. Phil looks so different but still so _Phil_. He looks less soft than at eighteen when they last saw each other. His hair is shorter, his pointy ears sticking out and his cheeks are pink. He's wearing a black jumper, but he still looks important and intimidating somehow. His cheekbones are more pronounced, and his eyes are sharper, darting around the room constantly. “I didn’t think you’d be coming.”

Dan laughs internally cringing at how high pitched it goes because he’s so damn _nervous_. “Haha, yeah. Didn’t think I’d see you either.” He turns away from Phil and orders a cocktail because the bartender is looking at him expectantly and he hasn’t actually had a drink yet. They both get their glasses and the bartender looks from Dan to Phil and grunts before going back to his job. Dan raises an eyebrow at Phil.

“Bartenders are silently curious.” Phil tells him and Dan didn’t know they were going the same way, but apparently they are now. “I should know, I am one.”

“Really?”

Before Phil can reply and elaborate however, they’ve reached the group Dan was with before and their conversation ends there.

-

“Phil!” Megan exclaims, seeing the two of them walking towards the little circle. She gives him a hug, and everyone else follows (Oliver gives him a one armed one and looks at Dan and mouths, _solidarity_. Dan rolls his eyes).

Everyone talks to Phil normally and he replies and makes conversation easily recalling events from school and Dan is a bit surprised. Phil was never social, which is probably why they both gelled so well. He hated most things about school, except once he told Dan he only came so he could see Dan.

Oliver pulls Dan aside and nudges him clumsily . “So.”

Dan stares at him. “So what?”

“C’mon.” Oliver tilts his head toward Phil. “You and Phil? You came back with him, did you talk? I mean, I’m a bit surprised he’s even here but -”

“We talked.” Dan interrupts.

“And it was okay?” His eyes bulge in disbelief.

Dan takes a sip of his drink to delay the answer to _that_. “Yeah, of course.” But his voice is high and that always happens when he’s nervous but hopefully Oliver is too drunk to notice. “It’s fine. We’re _okay_.”

Oliver shrugs and goes back to join the conversation. Dan shuffles his feet a little; Phil being so close still makes him feel strange. He spots an empty booth and practically sprints to it. He sits down and drinks his cocktail, enjoying the background noise of talking and music and not being paid attention to.

He stares at his drink, lost in thought. He hates to admit it, even to himself, but seeing Phil after so many years brought up long since buried feelings that he hadn’t felt since he was eighteen, which is _crazy_. He stares into his drink, holding it a little too tight, as he’s having this internal struggle of _I don’t like him anymore, no no no_ and doesn’t notice the chattering getting louder and closer to him until a voice says softly in his ear, “hey. Scoot over.”

Dan looks up to see the group he was stood with before joining him and thinks, _oh great_. He slides into the seat and looks to his left to see who’d whispered in his ear and of fucking _course_ it’s Phil. His luck wouldn’t have it any other way.

No one talks to Dan. Phil’s really, really close to him and it’s distracting beyond belief but he takes in a shuddering breath and turns to ask, “Um, where’s Oliver?”

At that exact moment, Phil turns to him and says, “So Dan -” but stops. He blinks and then replies, “Oh, um, he went to the washroom, I think. Looked a bit green, to be honest.”

Dan rolls his eyes and curses in his head. The only person who can save him from this isn’t here.

Phil is still looking at him but he doesn’t know what to say, so he just gulps down the last of his cocktail.

“So Dan…” Phil repeats himself. Dan doesn’t look back at him, unable to look back into those suddenly all too familiar eyes. He looks at his fingers instead. “What’s going on? How’s the exciting life of Dan Howell?”

“Um, fine.” Dan stutters. “It’s good. Yeah.”

Phil chuckles. “You don’t sound very sure.”

Dan clears his throat. “No, no, it’s really good. I, um, I work at a radio station, it’s local, and I’m a producer, mostly behind the scenes, working the controls, coming up with segments, you know…” He trails off, his mind feeding him with information about himself that he suddenly wants to tell Phil about. He finally looks up and Phil’s intently listening (his eyes are little hazy but he’s nodding at everything Dan’s saying) to him.

He smiles at Dan. “That’s wonderful, Dan,” he says. “I’m so proud of you. I knew you’d do like, really cool things after school.”

Dan feels himself blush. “Thanks, oh my god.” He coughs a bit. “So...you’re a bartender? That’s pretty cool as well.”

Phil shrugs. “I guess, yeah. Good way to meet people, if you know what I mean.” He then smiles knowingly and realisation hits Dan. Meeting people. Strangers to take back to his place. Of course. Dan knew from his Facebook feed about Phil’s...people. It didn’t take him more than a few weeks. Maybe a month if the guy’s lucky. An arm around one, a kiss on the cheek of another.

He chuckles but doesn’t say anything, because _what_ do you say to that? It’s not like Dan didn’t expect Phil to say something like that at some point in the evening.

Phil leads most of the rest of the conversation and thankfully doesn’t ask about Dan’s love or sex life. There’s literally nothing to tell him either - he doubts that one night stand two years ago counts as anything good. They talk about university and their jobs some more and Dan feels himself ease up. Phil leaves in between to bring more drinks and that helps a bit but it’s always been easy to talk to Phil. Since they were just kids, their conversation flowed from one thing to another and this is no different.

-

Dan smiles widely. He doesn't know how much time has passed, realistically an hour but it feels like _years_ but he's so happy and maybe that's because of the alcohol in his system but also because he's genuinely enjoying Phil's company. He doesn't notice when everyone else at their table leaves and he doesn't notice when Phil's thigh presses against his.

The conversation comes to a natural lull, a silence that isn't awkward and Dan drinks up the last of the cocktail and Phil stretches, eyes shut.

“So.” He says, opening one eye to look at Dan. “This party. Pretty boring.”

Dan shrugs. He's actually had a great time. A voice at the back of his head tells him to think about _why_ he's had a great time and he recaps the night but all he can remember is things Phil has told him and his laugh that hasn't changed and the comfort he feels next to him.

Phil leans in close and Dan can feel his breath on his neck when he speaks. “Do you want to catch up at my place? Got better music than here anyway. Stuff we used to listen to.” He smiles and Dan's eyes widen as he realises what Phil is asking. His head isn't foggy anymore and he sits up straight.

 _Oh, crap, oh shit, oh God_ —

Phil’s still looking at him expectantly and that voice in the back of Dan's head is going _, don't do it, this is a Bad Idea_ but it's getting fainter with each word.

“Um…” He tries to respond but for some infuriating reason has forgotten how to speak. “Yeah. Okay, alright.” Three affirmative responses. Good job, Dan.

Phil fully grins at him and stands up. “Okay, let's go!” He exclaims. He holds out a hand for Dan and they walk across the venue, Phil's other hand on the small of his back leading him out. They stand outside, and Phil calls for a taxi while Dan contemplates this decision of his. He doesn't _not_ want to do it; it's been so long. But it's also Phil, and that's _bad_ and Oliver would probably kill him but his best friend isn't here and the taxi has just stopped in front of them and Phil is taking his hand again and if his younger self saw this he'd scream and shout at Dan to let go and tell Phil to forget about it and go back home because this is a bloody _stupid_ idea but there's something about the warmth of Phil’s grip and his words that's making Dan do as he says and that seems reason enough to go ahead.

-

The taxi pulls up outside Phil's flat and Dan quickly gets out as Phil pays the driver. He waits awkwardly on the pavement for Phil to get out, the same thoughts running through his head that this is probably a bad idea and it's not too late to tell Phil he'd rather go home and never think about this again. But it’s too late and Phil is leading him towards the building and up the stairs and before Dan has had chance to gather his thoughts Phil is unlocking the door to his flat and pulling Dan inside.

“Welcome.” Phil says loudly, spreading his arms wide at his flat. He turns the dim lights on and Dan looks around.

“Wow.” He breathes, walking in, head turning from one corner to another. It's very…Phil from high school but some things he didn't expect like how _neat_ it is. There's pictures on the wall of his family which Dan immediately goes to and smiles at the familiar faces of the Lester clan.

Phil shows him round the rest of the flat, there's trinkets and photographs littering every surface and Dan doesn't quite know where to look. They end in the kitchen that has a pretty great view of the park and Dan goes to look out of the window, that leads to a balcony. “This is a really nice flat,” Dan says sounding shocked.

“It's alright.” Phil says, coming up behind him.

“It's brilliant.” Dan replies, turning around.

“You should see the bedroom.” Phil winks. Dan gulps because _oh yeah_ , this isn't a normal catch up. Or is it? Maybe Phil's just being funny. He decides to just. Go with it.

He takes Phil's hand in his. “Show me.”

-

Phil wasn’t just being funny. It’s eight thirty in the morning and Dan is lying awake, in Phil’s bed as he recalls his thoughts from last night that _Oh maybe Phil doesn’t want sex, maybe we’ll just watch a movie._ What a complete idiot, how naive the Dan of twelve hours ago was because here he is in Phil’s bed, completely naked as Phil lies snoring next to him. _Oh shit._

He bolts up and rubs his head because he feels a headache coming on. He’s in bed with Phil. His ex from five years ago, who he’d specifically wanted to avoid for this exact reason. It’s okay, he thinks. All he has to do is get up, get dressed and run before Phil wakes up. He stumbles out of bed and finds his shirt strewn a little away on the floor and picks it up. It’s wrinkled where Phil clutched at it but Dan hardly notices because he needs to get out.

“Going somewhere?”

Dan turns around, mid-putting on his trousers, looking like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming bus. Phil’s awake and he’s propped up on one elbow, grinning at Dan. “Um, no?” He replies, feeling himself blush. He quickly puts his trousers on fully and his hands immediately go up to his hair to tame it, but obviously it stays as curly as ever. “I was just going to the bathroom…”

“You were putting your jeans and shirt on to go to the bathroom?”

Dan nods hesitantly. “Yes?” he says, but he doesn’t sound sure of what he’s saying.

Phil raises an eyebrow. “ _Riiiight_. Okay, well, I’m going to put some boxers on, and then we can have breakfast. Pancakes are fine, yeah?” He gets off the bed and walks to his wardrobe leisurely.

Dan watches him the whole time, he furrows his brow because he’s not sure this is quite the same Phil Lester he once knew because the Phil Lester he knew would never offer him pancakes so casually. In fact, the Phil Lester he knew would’ve never offered anything after sex.

The shock of witnessing that stuns him into silence. Dan stares at him, specifically at the deep purple bruise-like mark on his collarbone. Phil looks at him, hands on bare hips, as if waiting for an answer. Oh. Oh yeah. Dan clears his throat. “Pancakes sound great.” He says, hating that his voice has gone about 4 pitches higher than normal.

Phil walks out of the room, presumably to go make the pancakes and Dan goes to sit on the bed, head in hands. Phil’s making him _breakfast_. There’s something oddly familiar but still new about that. There’s no doubt that this wasn’t supposed to happen. In no world is this situation good. Help

He stands up and composes himself and shakes his head. _This is fine, I  can do this. It’s just breakfast_ he says as he stands up and follows Phil to the kitchen where he takes a seat at the breakfast bar and watches Phil.

“Do you always have pancakes for breakfast then?” Dan asks.

Phil turns around as he flips one in the frying pan, “Not every morning, I save them for special occasions.” He says, a smirk creeping across his face as he turns round to plate it up.

Dan blushes a little because Phil was always good with flirting, it came so easily to him it was practically second nature and it always left Dan blushing and not quite knowing where to look.

“Et voila, two pancakes. Did you want lemon and sugar, or I can get some maple syrup?”

Dan looks up and smiles a little. “Uh no, lemon and sugar is good.”

They eat their breakfast in silence, Dan occasionally stealing glances at Phil as he wolf's down his pancakes. “Okay, I gotta go” He says, picking his plate up and taking it over to the sink, he turns back to Phil. “Work later, and I’ve never been late…” He takes his phone out of his pocket, pretending to look at texts. He has none, not even from Oliver. Wow.

Suddenly, Phil just grabs his phone from him. “Hey!” Dan exclaims.

Phil doesn’t reply, just taps the screen quickly and returns it, grinning cheekily. “Just added my number in.” He tells Dan. “So we can text and y’know...see when we can hang out again.”

Dan stares because the tone of Phil’s voice suggested something else completely and that’s probably what he meant. Gulping, he says, “Oh, thanks. Yeah, we can hang out...soon.” He walks quickly to the front door and opens it. He turns around to look at Phil who’d followed him and says, “Okay, well, see you,” and practically sprints out.

Dan had a feeling his life was about to get a lot more interesting.


	2. Chapter 2

Dan got home an hour ago and he’d spent the entire time lying on his bed thinking about what exactly had happened last night. He tries to remember the party and meeting his old school friends but his mind keeps coming back to Phil. Phil’s flat and Phil’s bed and Phil’s hands in his hair and _Oh shit they had sex._ Dan hasn’t quite worked out if that was one of the biggest regrets he’s ever going to have or one of the best decisions he’s ever made. He’s leaning towards the latter.

He had sex with Phil. Okay, right. We’ve established that now, but for some reason the entire evening kept playing on his mind and all the things Phil said and did and Dan can’t help but be transported back to when he was 18 and Phil was his everything. The only thing that mattered and they’d go to movies and play video games and have sex and go shopping and have sex and go out for meals and have sex and come to think of it. They had _a lot_ of sex. But that was just how they were and it worked for them and they were in love. _Were._ they were in love until Phil broke it off because _“who needs a long term relationship at 18? We’re just different people Dan, we’re growing up. I don’t want to be tied down.”_ Those words had repeated on Dan’s mind for at least a month after they’d broken up and he couldn’t seem to shake them and now seeing Phil last night, with his friendly smile and comforting words, had brought back the memories Dan had been trying to repress for the last 5 years.

Dan was jolted from his train of thought by his alarm telling him to get ready for work. He pulled himself off his bed and pulled on some fresh clothes before grabbing his wallet, shoving it into his  backpack and heading off down the stairs to his car.

He’s a bit dazed as he drives to the office, greets the receptionist and enters the studio. The radio presenter Jacob, says good afternoon, and he merely grunts in response. It’s as if his brain is on autopilot because he’s pressing buttons and turning knobs but he isn’t _into_ it like he usually is. Thankfully, no one notices as his brain goes _Phil. I slept with Phil and could do it again if I want. He_ did _ask if I wanted to hang out again and what does ‘hang out’ mean if not sex? Why am I acting like a teenager?_

It’s when he almost runs a red light on the way back home that he decides that he’s thinking too much about this and if he goes on like this, he’ll definitely die. Fed up of his own mind going round in circles he decides to call Oliver when he gets home for some advice.

“Oliver.” He says into the phone, skipping a greeting.

“Dan?” Oliver sounds concerned. “What’s up? You sound stressed. I mean, more than usual.”

“Ha-ha.” Dan rolls his eyes even though his friend can’t see. “I’m having a conundrum of sorts. A sex sort of conundrum.” He pauses because he knows the next sentence he says is going to make Oliver mad, probably. “I slept with Phil.”

“You _what_?” Oliver laughs and Dan grits his teeth as he waits for him to stop. “Okay, okay I’m done now Dan but that, oh boy that really tickled me. How did you end up having sex with him?” He says as he chuckles again.

“ _Well_ ,” Dan starts, “ _Someone_ left me all alone to defend myself from Phil, who I was trying to avoid, but as we’ve established, I’m not good at that. So really, this is all your fault.”

“My fault? And how do you suppose that? I didn’t force you to have sex with him Dan, that was entirely your own doing.”

“Well -” He really has no argument for that. He chose to go back to Phil’s place.

“Exactly. So what is your conundrum? Don’t tell me you’re pregnant Dan because I will not be taking you for hospital appointments.” Oliver says pointedly.

“Shut _up_. Look, okay. Phil said I should let him know if I want to hang out again and you know that’s code for ‘hey! We should get each other off again sometime!’ Well, more than get each other off, but you know what I mean.”

Oliver starts laughing again. “Do you want to hang out again, then?”

“I don’t _know_.” Dan replies helplessly. “I want to see him again but I know it’ll always just end up with us having sex not that that’s a bad thing I just…” Dan sighs not quite knowing how to end that sentence.

“Alright, see.” Oliver says seriously now. “You remember what it was like when you broke up, do you wanna go through that again? Maybe you’re better off just telling him you had a great time but you don’t think it would be good to hang out again.”

“So you’re telling me to not text him?” Dan clarifies.

“I’m telling you to do what you really want.”

Dan takes a deep breath. “Okay. Not texting him back.”

“Wow really? I was honestly expecting you to text him back. I’m impressed Dan. You’re growing up.” Oliver replies, sounding shocked.

“Yeah, well. I don’t need him.” Dan says, sounding more confident. Nope. He doesn’t need Phil.

-

The door opens and Dan is greeted by Phil’s smiling face and the warmth of his flat. Dan had stuck to his word for all of an hour before caving and texting Phil asking if he wanted to hang out next week. Phil had replied 3 hours later telling him to come over next week.

“Hey Dan, fancy seeing you here.” Phil says, laughing a little.

“What? Your own house which you invited me to?”

“I was making a joke Dan, jeez, when did you lose your sense of humour?” Phil says, as he follows Dan into the lounge.

Dan chuckles, hoping against hope that the fact that he's nervous isn't showing. He walks into the lounge and sits right on the edge of the sofa looking down at his hands as Phil walks in front and sits on the opposite end of the sofa, looking at Dan and smiling. “So did you want a cocktail? I’ve made loads for you to try.”

Dan looks up and smiles, thankful for the alcohol that is about to enter his system with the hope it will calm down his nerves and help him relax. “Oh yeah, sure. Are you going to impress me with your bartending skills?” He asks as he stands up and follows Phil towards the kitchen.

Phil chuckles as he opens the fridge “Didn’t think I really needed to impress you anyway.” Phil says, the smirk evident in his voice as he pulls out some jugs of pre prepared cocktails. Dan smiles up at him not knowing what to say and opts instead to make some cliche small talk.

“So, uh, how was your week?” Dan asks.

“It was alright thanks…” He replies as he pulls out some glasses for them and pours the first drink. “Bartending isn’t exactly the most eventful job.” He hands a glass to Dan and takes a sip of his own drink.

“No? Thought it might be, what with drunk strangers telling you all their secrets.”

Phil smiles. “You've been watching too many movies.”

Dan shrugs. “Well, I like the cute bartenders in them.” He immediately gulps down his cocktail too fast. Apparently what they say about alcohol loosening your tongue is true. Phil doesn’t react to his statement though and that envy creeps back up, the fact that Phil can remain calm when given a compliment.

“So what cocktail is this then?” Dan asks trying to diffuse the tension.

“It’s called Between The Sheets, it’s one of my specialities.” Dan nods in response, draining the last of his cocktail.

And then they have sex. Go figure.  

Dan doesn’t know how it happens, but one minute Phil’s telling him a funny anecdote about how an old man, who was completely pissed spent the evening crying about his ex-wife, and the next Phil is on top of him, kissing down his jaw.

Dan wakes up groggily, his face nestled in someone’s chest. He looks up and sees Phil’s soft smile.

Oh. _Oh_. Not again. He scrambles up and looks around, and yup, it’s Phil’s bedroom and somehow they’ve ended up here again. He must’ve moved too quickly because next to him, Phil’s stretching and making the most unholy sounds.

“Hiiiii.” Phil says, yawning.

“Hellooooo.” Dan replies, trying to hide the awkwardness in his voice.

“Haven’t slept that well in so long.” He puts his glasses on and Dan almost falls off the bed because he’d forgotten how _good_ Phil looks in them, especially in the morning when he’s tired and disoriented. There’s something so damn domestic about this situation but Dan can’t bring himself to think too much about it.

“Yeah me neither.” Dan says, his mouth saying the words before his brain has time to catch up and realise exactly what he’s just said. “Um. Anyway. That happened.”

Phil nods. “Yeah. So, breakfast?”

Dan gets off the bed and picks up his jeans. “Nope, no time today. I’ll pick something up on the way to work.”

“Oh, uh, alright.” Phil sits up and stays in bed, watching Dan get dressed in a hurry. “I’ll see you then, yeah?”

“Yup, maybe, sure.” He leaves the room and flat before anything more could be said or he could do anything that would embarrass him further.

-

Over the next few weeks Dan and Phil saw each other _a lot_ and went to movies _a lot_ and played video games _a lot_ and oh yeah, had sex. A lot.

Jacob notices it at first. When Dan’s trying to _efficiently_ end the show for the day by pressing buttons and scrolling through codes, the radio presenter leans over during a link. “Hey, Danno.” He says. “What’s up?”

“What do you mean?” Dan asks, not looking at him.

“You seem really eager to finish off today.”

“I’m not. I just know how to do this well enough to do it quickly.”  

Jacob eyes him suspiciously but doesn’t have time to question Dan any further because the link is over. He puts his headphones back on and in a louder than before voice goes, “Well, that was the last song. Next up, we have the news. Thank you for listening and goodbye!” He looks up after saying those last words and Dan is already packing his bag and practically sprinting out of the studio.

He dials Phil’s number and puts his phone on speaker as he starts his car.

“Dan! Hey, you’re coming over, right?” Phil’s asks, as Dan pulls out and drives down the street.  

“Only if you’re ordering Chinese this time.” Dan replies.

“Of course. We had an arrangement, I choose the movie, you choose the cuisine.”

Dan smiles. They’d had that tradition back in school too, and they didn’t even plan to bring it back. It was nice.

He pulls up outside of Phil’s flat 15 minutes later, locking the car up quickly and bounding up the stairs to Phil’s building, a grin on his face. He realises he should probably tone down his eagerness, after all they were just friends who were gonna hang out and eat Chinese food. Just friends, right?

“Hey!” He says, practically skipping inside.

“Hello.” Phil smiles at him, bemused. “I have the noodles on the table, have them when you’re ready.”

Dan grins at him and picks up the food as they make their way to the lounge. They sit close together on the sofa, and Phil starts the movie. They chose the third Iron Man for that night. Phil is sat right next to him, and when he says right next to him he means it. Dan can feel the sofa shake when Phil laughs he’s sat that close.

“Robert Downey Jr. is so hot.” Phil comments.

“Hm. You’re hot too.” Dan replies, eyes glued to the screen, so he’s not paying attention to Phil’s words exactly.

“You’re not too bad yourself.” Phil says, smirking a little as he glances at him. Dan can feel Phil’s eyes on his face and can feel the heat spreading across his cheeks, but holds his ground and stays facing the screen.

“Th-thanks.” He misses his mouth when trying to eat his forkful of noodles and jabs his cheek instead.

An hour later, the movie is long forgotten and somehow Phil’s arms found their way around Dan’s waist as their faces got closer. This was how it always began, some quick making out before Phil pulled him towards the bedroom. But for some reason Dan’s heart was beating louder than it did normally and he couldn’t quite collect his thoughts. Phil’s hands pull on Dan’s hair lightly as something clicks in Dan’s head, and he pulls away and catches his breath looking down at Phil’s lap.

“What’s wrong?” Phil asks.

Dan lifts his head and looks at Phil, “Oh nothing, no it’s fine it’s just… what are we? I mean, what are we doing?” He glances between them both.

“Well, we were making out until you stopped.” He says laughing.

Dan smiles a little and rolls his eyes. “No, you know what I mean, Phil. Like are we fooling around, Or… or something more? It’s just, I’ve been thinking about it and…” If he’s honest Dan doesn’t really know what he’s been thinking; he’s just hoping that Phil will catch on to what he’s trying to ask.

Phil tilts his head to a side. “Well, I thought we were friends.”

Dan feels his heart sink a bit lower than his chest. “Friends?”

“Yeah. Like, good friends though. You mean a lot to me, Dan.” He smiles.

“But...we’ve had sex. We were kissing just now. Friends don’t do that.” Dan knows exactly how much of a child he sounds like but he can’t help it. He needs to know _exactly_ what’s going on before he falls even more. Because yeah, he’s falling for Phil. It’s inevitable.

Phil stares at him, a smile creeping across his face “Friends with benefits do.”

Dan stares back, not knowing quite what to say. Is that what they were? Is that what this was? Was that all Phil saw him as? A friend he could have sex with whenever he pleased? He realises he’s been silent for too long and speaks up, “So is that what we are then?” He questions.

“Yeah, why not? I don’t really do relationships Dan and this works for me.” He admits. “Look, the sex is great and we get along? Why do we need to ruin all that with feelings?”

Dan nods slowly and gulps. Inside, he can feel his heart drop a little and all the hopes he’d had five minutes ago had been crushed. “Yeah…” He says hesitantly. “Yeah. Why not? Th-That’s fine for me.” He tries not to let the pain show in his voice as he smiles back at Phil.

Friends with benefits. Okay.

-

The next few weeks are a blur to Dan; he spends more time in Phil’s flat than his own, and he can’t really bring himself to think about what exactly that means so he pushes those thoughts to the back of his mind. Him and Phil have been having a great time, they go to movies, go out for meals (which occasionally Phil pays for) go on day trips to the city and.... They have sex. But then again, sex is sort of a key part of the whole “friends with benefits” arrangement. And that’s good. It reminds Dan of the past, but he isn’t bitter about it anymore. It’s liberating that they’re doing this, no feelings attached.

Dan hasn’t told Oliver yet. He doesn’t really know why, other than the fact that his best friend would probably disown him and then go hit Phil with a pan.

He’s having lunch with Oliver when he receives a text from Phil (“ _idc what u say, we’re watching deadpool again tonight_ ”), and smiles at his screen before typing out a _alright smh._

“Who’s that?” Oliver asks.

“Oh it’s just… my mum.” Dan lies as Oliver glares at him.

“Right, and I’m a lion tamer in a circus. What’s his name?”

“His?”

“The cute guy you’re texting. Go on, tell me. I can keep a secret. Plus, I’m like, you know. Your best friend.”

“His name’s…Ph- Phichael.”

Oliver cocks his head to one side and stares at him. “Do you think I was born yesterday Dan?”

He debates telling him because he _knows_ what Oliver will say and how he’ll react, but Dan’s a grown man and can do what he wants with his life. He’s twenty four for Christ’s sake.

“Fine. It’s Phil. I’m texting Phil. We’ve been hanging out a lot lately.” He says defeatedly. Oliver doesn’t respond and continues eating his food. “And by ‘hanging out’ you mean sex of course.”

Dan scoffs and takes a sip of his drink cooly, “Ugh, no… we uh… we do other things. We watch movies and play video games. And then we have sex.”

“Now this is the exact kind of gossip I signed up for when we became friends. So, tell me. How’d it start, are you guys dating or what? Tell me everything?” Oliver asks, leaning his head on his hands and staring at Dan expectantly.

“Well,” Now how does Dan phrase this, was there even another word he could use other than ‘friends with benefits’ that wouldn’t freak Oliver out? “We’re not exactly dating, it’s more of…a…. Friendship… with added.... Sexual… perks, you might say. It’s a very professional arrangement.”

Oliver stares at him as a smile spreads across his face. “Was that the Dan Howell way of telling me you and Phil are friends with benefits?”

“If you want to be crude, then, yes, sure.” Dan says, rolling his eyes, trying to stay calm and composed. “Anyway. That was him. We’re watching a movie.”

“That’s nice.” Oliver says. “So tell me. This arrangement of yours, is it helping the fact that you’re probably falling for Phil like you did all those years ago? I mean, you’re doing practically the same thing you did at seventeen, except for Phil’s homework that you did occasionally.”

“Oliver, please. I am not ‘falling for Phil’. We’re just friends, that’s it. I think someone's getting a little jealous because _they_ haven’t had sex in almost a year.” Dan says.

“ _Stop_.” Oliver groans. “Just...just be careful, alright?”

“I am, Oliver. We wear condoms, it’s all fine. Perfectly safe.”

“Not that way, oh my God. Phil fucks you up. Please, please don’t let him do it again.”

“Well, if I don’t let him ‘fuck me up’ that kind of puts an end to our friends with _benefits_ arrangement.”

“For God’s sake. Eat your food and _leave_.”

Dan laughs and finishes off his food, “And here I was thinking you loved hearing about my sex life Ol.”

“Daniel, it may come as a surprise but no, I do not like hearing about your sex life, especially whilst eating.”

Dan shrugs. “Well. You asked.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t want details.”

“The fact that we use protection is _hardly_ detail—”

“ _Dan_.”

“I thought you’d be thrilled to know that I was having safe sex? You want me to be protected, don’t you? STD’s can be pretty nasty.”

Oliver doesn’t even respond this time, just gets his phone out and scrolls through it.

Dan laughs. “Well I would love to stay and chat but there is a rather attractive man waiting in his flat to have sex with me, so I shall catch you on the flipside.” Dan says pulling out some cash and putting it on the table as he puts on his jacket. “Thanks for lunch, always a good time.” 

-

They’re watching Deadpool, and Dan sneaks a glance at Phil who’s on the other side of the couch, his legs on Dan’s lap. Dan doesn’t realise he’s been staring until Phil turns to face him.

“Is there something on my face?” Phil asks.

Dan shakes his head and blushes a little. “What? No, no, I was just. Admiring your lounge.”

Phil raises an eyebrow. “Alright, then. I’ll just go back to admiring Ryan Reynolds.”

“I didn’t think Ryan Reynolds was your type.”

Phil chuckles, turning his head back to Dan. “What, tall, muscular and ridiculously attractive?”

“Well. _Yeah_.”

“Are you only saying that because you’re none of those things and you’re wondering why I’m choosing to have sex with you.”

“Well. _Yeah_.” Dan repeats.

Phil nudges Dan in the stomach with his foot “I have sex with you because you’re cute and you’re a good fuck. Is that alright with you? Also, I mean, we’ve done it before, I don’t have to wonder if you’re good or not. You are. Very good.” Phil’s eyes remain glued to the screen as Dan gulps, staring at Phil, hoping for some kind of physical response.

Dan doesn’t quite know what to say to that so he says nothing and goes back to watching the movie. He’s flattered that Phil thinks all those things about him, obviously. He looks at him from the corner of his eye and thinks, _Nah. Not ever going to fall in love with you_. He’d been in love with Phil before and what he was feeling now was totally _not_ love. Phil was just a really great guy he was friends with. Who called him cute.

Just friends. Phil lending him his hoodie that night before they went to sleep was something just friends did. Oliver was being ridiculous, Dan was 24 now, he didn’t have the raging hormones of an 18 year old running round his body. No. Him and Phil were friends.


	3. Chapter 3

He hasn't seen Phil for two weeks. Which normally wouldn’t bother him if it was anyone else, but this is Phil and Phil is well, special. It’s 2PM and Dan’s running late for work, he’d slept in late and was now rushing round his room grabbing his wallet and phone and trying to find his jumper.  _ This is what he gets for never tidying his room _ . He gives up on finding his jacket and instead grabs the hoodie that’s lying on the back of his chair as he rushes downstairs to his car.

He arrives at work half an hour later and it’s not until he catches a glimpse of himself in a reflection that he realises he’s wearing Phil’s hoodie. The hoodie Phil let him borrow two weeks ago and hadn’t bothered to ask for it back. Dan smiles to himself and rubs his hand across the sleeve and smells it. It has the faint scent of Phil’s cologne, but he wouldn’t have been able to tell if he wasn’t so well acquainted with it. It’s warmer than most hoodies, but maybe that’s just his mind telling him that. He smiles to himself, because he remembers always taking Phil’s jackets or t-shirts when they were in school. This is different, obviously, but still.  

Dan waltzes into the studio where Jacob is frantically setting up for the show but he looks up when Dan walks in.

“Nice of you to turn up Daniel, can you help set up the music for me seeing as you’re here.”

Dan looks up. “Oh, yeah yeah, sorry Jacob.” He says sounding distracted.

Jacob notices the grin on Dan’s face and stops what he’s doing to walk over to him and clicks his fingers in front of Dan’s face. “Hello? Dan? Anyone there? Can you help set up the music the show starts in twenty minutes.”

He focuses on Jacob’s face and straightens up, “Yeah, right. Music. Of course.” He walks over to the control desk and starts setting up the music playlist on the laptop.

“What’s got you so distracted?” Jacob questions.

“What? Nothing, what do you mean?”

“Dan come  _ ooooooon _ , I’m not stupid. This is the fifth time in two weeks you’ve walked in late looking as if you’ve just come from another planet. Don’t think I haven’t noticed, Who’s the lucky guy?” He walks over to Dan and leans against the wall, looking at him as he waits for an answer.

Was he really that easy to read? He should really work on that. “What? Oh you think I have a boyfriend?” He laughs lightly. “I’m not seeing anyone just.... Drop it, okay? Shall we continue setting up for your show?” He pushes past Jacob as he goes to collect some files they needed.

Jacob shrugs his shoulders and goes back to setting up the equipment. “Can’t blame a guy for asking Dan.”

The show passes by in a blur and Dan hasn’t had time to think about what Jacob said to him before he’s home and lying in bed wearing Phil’s hoodie. He considers calling Phil to just talk to him about stuff. They haven’t seen each other for two weeks after all, and they’ve never been apart or without communication for that long. So he considers it. Just the thought of calling Phil makes him feel funny inside and he rolls his eyes at himself. He thinks about what they’ve been doing (other than the sex) and the hoodie he’s wearing, how Phil hasn’t even noticed it’s gone or else he would’ve called, and the comfort they’ve established between themselves. Dan shuts his eyes and lets his imagination take him to a place where him and Phil just. Live in a bubble of their own and relearn each other, more than skin to skin, something much deeper. And that’s when he realises.

He’s in love with Phil.  _ Again _ .  _ Fuck. _

-

_ Look away from Phil, right now Dan Howell. Just do it. C’mon. Just turn your head _ .  _ Good _ .

It’s not like Phil’s even doing anything interesting, Dan just likes looking at him and observing his mannerisms. He’s back at Phil’s flat for dinner and post-dinner activities, just chilling, doing friend stuff.

The doorbell rings and Phil goes to open it. Dan reaches in his pocket for his wallet, so he can pay for his half of the meal but realises he’s forgotten it at home.

“Damn.” He curses softly. “Uh, Phil? I think I’ve forgotten my wallet -”

“Oh, don’t worry about it!” Phil calls back. “I’ll pay for you.” He comes back with a packet of food in one hand, grinning at Dan.

“Thank you!” Dan replies, eyes wide. “I’ll pay you back next time, okay?”

“It’s only £10 Dan, don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, okay.” Dan replies, sounding taken aback as they start eating the food. Well, that was awfully nice of him. He glances at Phil, and catches him already looking at -   _ smiling _ at - Dan.

Thinking about it, Phil had been awfully nice to him lately. He’d bought him lunch last week and let him borrow his clothes. He’d even complimented Dan on his outfit the other day and said his hair looked really nice. I mean, was it really Dan’s fault if he fell in love with Phil? Phil wasn’t exactly making it hard.

They’d finished their food hours ago and were sat on the sofa watching a terrible movie they couldn't be bothered to turn off. Phil had his arm round Dan’s shoulder and Dan was almost cuddling into Phil, his head against Phil’s chest. If Oliver could see him now he knew his best friend would be shaking his head in disapproval but Dan didn’t really care because lying here with Phil felt warm and comfortable and Dan could almost pretend that him and Phil were actually dating. That thought was shaken from his head when Phil removed his arm from around Dan’s shoulder and moved it to Dan’s jaw and leant in to kiss him.

“Wanna head to bed? This movie’s awful.” Phil asks.

_ Oh yeah. They weren’t actually dating.  _ “Oh yeah sure, sure.” Dan says, trying to sound normal and not like he’d just been fantasising about Phil asking him to be his boyfriend and how he’d react.

Phil turns off the TV and Dan shuffles off to the bedroom, pulling off his jeans when he gets there and lying down on the bed as he waits for Phil. He could get used to this, staying over at Phil’s every night and sleeping next to him. There’s something Dan enjoyed about sleeping in the same bed as someone else, it felt comforting to him.

They don’t have sex, but Dan does get an  _ incredible  _ blowjob from Phil before falling asleep soon after, his face face pressed into the pillow as Phil slept next to him, breathing evenly.

-

“Dan! You’re actually home and in your own flat and not round Phil’s, what a shock!” Oliver says as he walks into Dan’s flat.

“Well of course I’m home you twat. I invited you round.”

“I know I was pretty shocked at that as well, not having sex this afternoon with your ‘friend’.” He said, making quotation marks with his fingers when he said the word friend. “Glad you could keep your face off his to give me some time of your day.”

Dan rolls his eyes. “Shut up, I don’t see him every day. It’s more like every other day.”

They go and sit down on the sofa and Oliver clutches his chest “Oh Dan, I am so honoured to be given these precious moments of your time.” He says sarcastically.

“Look if you’re gonna be sarcastic you can go home Ol.”

“No, no, I’ll stop now.” He pretends to zip shut his mouth. “How are things with Phil anyway? Your heart still intact?”

Dan’s face drops a little and he looks down at his hands. “Yeah… yeah things are great. We went to the cinema the other day. It was nice.” He tries to sound enthusiastic but even he can tell his voice sounds a little flat. Oliver looks at him, narrowing his eyes.

“Things don’t sound as if they’re great?”

Well, he might as well tell Oliver now seeing as the situation has arisen, might as well get it all out in the open. “I think I’m in love with Phil, Ol.”

Silence. But only for a few seconds, because Oliver could never be quiet. He sighs and shuts his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Please don’t say ‘I told you so’,” Dan begs. “Say anything but that.”

“God I wouldn’t say that Dan, I’m not a total dick.” He moves to sit closer to Dan on the sofa. “What are you gonna do?”

He thinks for a moment, running through all the possible options of things he could do. “I don’t…” He pauses and leans back against the sofa. “I don’t even know, I mean.... Should I tell him? What if he doesn’t feel the same and I ruin everything? But then what if he does?” He turns to face Oliver and smiles.

“He’s been so...so not-Phil lately. He paid for my dinner the other week because I forgot my wallet and he calls me cute and gives me compliments. God, I stayed over the other week and we cuddled the next morning, how crazy is that? Then he’s lent me his clothes and I’m pretty sure all these things are things that friends don’t do.”

Oliver stares at him and lets out a chuckle. “Wow. You got it bad, Danny.” He sighs. “I can’t tell you what to do but what I can say is I’ll be here for you no matter what. If he doesn’t though I’ll happily go round to his flat and punch him in the face for you though.”

Dan laughs at that. “Thanks, I appreciate that.” He sits up straight and inhales. “You know. Fuck it. I’m gonna tell him. I am twenty four, I’m a grown man. I’m just gonna get some balls and tell him the next time I see him. And if he doesn’t feel the same then…Well, that’s his loss isn’t it?”

Oliver claps him on the back.”That’s the spirit. I will, of course expect a full run down of what happens after you tell him though. Everything from words to hand movements.”

“Of course. Thanks for the support. You’re a good friend Oliver.”

Oliver rolls his eyes. “Don’t go getting all soppy on me now I may vomit.”

Dan goes to bed that night smiling, he was gonna tell Phil. He had had Oliver’s blessing and he’d tell Phil the next time they hung out. He had a warm feeling in his chest as he fell asleep, imagining in his head how the conversation would go. He’d tell Phil and Phil would blush a little and admit he felt the same. Then they’d hug and kiss and Dan would say, “Does this mean we’re officially boyfriends now?” and Phil would say yes and they’d fall asleep that night in each other's arms and he feels giddy just thinking about it.

He’s going to tell Phil, he’s decided. Tomorrow.

-

Dan pays extra attention to his looks (more than he usually does) the next day. He leaves earlier than he would because he had an elaborate plan to carry out that he’d thought of instead of sleeping.

On the way there, he stops at a flower shop where an old lady welcomes him, smiling.

“Hi, um, I wanted to give flowers to someone I’m asking out?” Dan asks. “But like, not something cliched.” He feels his cheeks redden. Would that offend the old lady?

She walks over to the roses. “Tell me something about the lucky lady.” She says, her voice still kind and curious.

“Man.” Dan corrects her. “It’s uh, we’ve known each other since we were kids.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet!” The lady - Dan reads the label on her shirt and sees her name is Joyce - exclaims, clapping her hands together. “I’m sure he’s wonderful.”

“He is.” Dan replies, smiling, thinking about Phil and how amazing he is. “I feel like this is a new...chapter for us, y’know?”

Joyce laughs and pinches Dan’s right cheek, which he doesn’t expect but fully appreciates. “You are  _ too cute _ . Alright, let’s see…” She starts looking through the rows and rows of different colours of roses. “You don’t want yellow, that’s friendship! Hm….Aha!” She pulls out a bunch of white roses. “These,” she tells him, “represent new beginnings. Good?”

“ _ Yes _ .” Dan replies, taking them from her. “And they’re white, which fits so well with my monochrome aesthetic, you have no idea.”

He pays for the roses, thanks Joyce who wishes him luck and leaves the shop practically skipping.

-

Dan arrives at Phil’s doorstep right on time hiding the flowers behind his back as Phil answers the door.

“You’re early!” He exclaims.

“Yeah I uh- left earlier because there was traffic.” He lies as he walks into the flat. “I picked these up for you.”

Phil smiles and laughs. “Wow thanks! Is this your way of saying I need to brighten up my flat?” He takes the flowers from him and goes to put them in a vase.

Dan stands there awkwardly. “Oh yeah… yeah of course. Plus everyone loves flowers don’t they?”

“Sure, yeah.” He turns to Dan and claps his hands together. “So! What do you wanna do today?”

“Whatever, I don’t mind. We said we were gonna watch The Avengers didn’t we?” He’s trying to make things seem normal and not trying to think about the fact that he’s about to ask Phil if he wants to be his boyfriend.

“Oh yeah, well remembered Dan.” He walks over to fetch the DVD from his shelf and sets it up on the TV as Dan goes to sit down on the sofa, nervously wringing his hands together and taking deep breaths.

Phil’s about to play the movie when Dan blurts out, “Wait, Phil.”

“Yeah?” Phil looks at him with concern.

“Phil, Philip, pal, my bro.” He laughs nervously and looks down at his hands, Phil getting more concerned every second as he goes to sit next to Dan. “Do you, do you think we could ever be like we were in school? I mean with holding hands and… and going on dates. You know the whole ‘meeting the parents’ thing. You know, like we were in college?”

Phil stares at him blankly “Um no, why would you say that Dan?” He looks incredibly confused. “Why would we do that? I’ve already met your parents.” He says chuckling a little. “Plus we’re just friends Dan, why would you want to go on a date with me? Friends don’t go on dates.” He says with finality.

Dan turns to face Phil and looks up at him, “Yes, yes I know… but we could be...We could be more. More than friends I mean.”

Phil runs a hand through his hair. “Dan, I - why’re you talking about this now?”

“Because -” Dan sighs exasperatedly. It’s on the tip of his tongue.  _ Because I love you _ . He could just say it. Get it over with.

“I don’t do relationships.” Phil says, his expression unreadable. “You know that.”

“I do!”

“That’s why we’re doing  _ this _ . You agreed to it.”

“I know I agreed, but why aren’t you even willing to try like last time? We were so good together Phil. Aren’t you even a little curious to see if it could work?”

Phil looks at him as if Dan’s just asked him to jump out of a ten storey building. “No, I’m not Dan. I don’t like you like  _ that _ Dan. I, I told you when we started this I wasn’t interested in a relationship!” Dan can almost hear the anger in his voice.

There are tears building in Dan’s eyes but he blinks them away and stares at Phil. “But… You bought me dinner the other week. And you’ve let me wear your clothes and complimented me and we’ve cuddled.”

Phil scoffs “So? What’s your point? It’s just clothes Dan and you’d forgotten your wallet. I couldn’t not pay, could I?”

It stings, it really does. He gulps and mutters, loud enough for Phil to hear, “No, you’re right.”

“Yeah, exactly.” Phil sighs. “God, Dan, you’re still so...I mean, you still think every small gesture means I’m in love with you. It’s a wonder you get through every day of your life. When someone holds a door open for you you know that doesn’t mean they’re in love with you, right?” he says condescendingly.

“I know that!” Dan argues. “I’m not five years old, Phil.”

“Well you could have fooled me, you overreact to everything like one.”

Dan scoffs. “All feels very familiar doesn’t it? Me bearing my heart and soul to you and you closing up and pushing me away. Typical Phil.”

Phil rolls his eyes and crosses his arms. “Come off it Dan, that was five years ago. We’ve moved past that, we’re not eighteen any more.” He says defensively.

“Well we clearly haven’t have we? Nothing’s changed? You’re still as cold and bitter about everything as you were back then Phil.”

“Well well well, typical Dan always bringing up the past. Do you enjoy living in the past Dan? You know, I forgot how much hard work you were.” He laughs.

“Well, you didn’t  _ have _ to be with me. I thought you loved me and wanted to be with me. That’s normally how relationships work. I didn’t realise I was such a burden to you.”

“Well I did leave you, didn’t I? We stopped all the ‘feelings’ and agreed to stay friends. Then we started this and agreed on just sex and you…” Phil shakes his head and laughs. “And you agreed to it? Your head's too full of love stories Dan, thinking people will find one person and then they’ll be together forever. You haven’t changed at all.”

“ _ I  _ haven’t changed?  _ Me? _ I think you’re the one who hasn’t changed. You’re still the immature dick I knew in high school who just… screws around with people’s feelings and fucks them up. You know Oliver told me to be careful, I wish I’d listened to him.”

“ _ Oliver _ ?”

“Yeah. Unlike you, he actually cares about my feelings and told me to be careful with you. Be careful you don’t fuck with my head again.”

“Well maybe you should have listened to him then? Shouldn’t you?”

There’s a silence for the first time in the ten minutes since they started arguing. Dan is chewing at the inside of his cheek not knowing what to do or say and afraid he might burst into tears at any point. Fuck, fuck, fuck. This wasn’t supposed to be how it went this time. He looks at Phil, straight in the eye and sees no love, no remorse and suddenly he isn’t upset anymore. He’s  _ angry _ . 

“You know what.” He says, gritting his teeth. “I could leave right now, and pine like I did when you left before. I could cry buckets for you, but I won’t. It’s too hard, Phil. Loving you is too  _ damn hard _ .” 

“I didn’t want this, Dan.” Phil says, swallowing. 

“Yeah, well, you don’t always get what you want.” Dan replies, thinking bitterly,  _ I just found out, didn’t I _ ? “I...I’ve had enough. I’ll send your hoodie back tomorrow. Good luck finding someone else to fuck around with. Goodbye.” He turns around, opens the front door and slams it shut behind him. 

It’s not until he’s sat in his car that he lets any emotion show. He grips the steering wheel hard and shuts his eyes.  _ Don’t cry, don’t you dare- _

But a few rogue tears well out of his closed eyelids anyway. He sits up, blinks them away, and wipes them off using his jumper sleeve. 

He taps Oliver’s number into his phone and chews his bottom lip, waiting for an answer. 

“Hello?” comes Oliver’s crackly voice, and Dan can’t help it. He  _ loses  _ it, blubbering God knows what into the phone mic. Oliver doesn’t interrupt, just hms and gives noises of understanding when he pauses to sniffle or just can’t speak. He tells Oliver he’s coming over and cuts the call. 

Taking a deep breath in, he tries to compose himself. He glances out the window, at Phil’s flat one last time before driving off from the mess he left behind. 

-

When he arrives at Oliver’s, his best friend ushers him in and immediately engulfs him in a tight hug. 

“Oliver,” Dan says, his voice muffled, “He -”

“Sh, I know.” Oliver interrupts, patting his back. “C’mon. You sit here, and I’ll get you some water. Have you eaten?”

Dan shakes his head as he sits on the couch. He would’ve finished dinner by now if...Anyway. “No, I haven’t. Um, I’m sorry I just…” He sighs and rubs his eyes. He feels suddenly  _ really _ tired. All he wants to do is take a shower, get this horrible day off him and sleep until everything feels okay again. 

“Daniel, please.” Oliver says, his hands on his hips. “Look, I’ll get you cold pizza, you can have that, and stay the night if you want. You look too tired to be driving anymore tonight, to be honest.” 

Before Dan can protest, he goes to the kitchen, leaving Dan alone with his thoughts. He pulls out his phone and unlocks it, it opens onto his messages and the first thing he sees is the last message Phil sent him. He closes out of it quickly, locking the phone again and shoving it face down onto the sofa. 

Oliver walks in then, a plate with the pizza in one hand and tall glass of water in the other. He sits next to Dan, places the food on the coffee table in front of him and looks at Dan intently. “Eat.” He orders, and Dan complies and it’s when he takes the first bite that he realises how hungry he is. 

 

“Do you want to talk about it or…?” Oliver asks slowly. “We don’t need to, if you don’t want.”

Dan interrupts him and gestures his arms. “Can you believe I was going to ask him to be my boyfriend? No wait can you believe I  _ asked  _ him to be my boyfriend?” He grabs a slice of pizza and takes a bit, chewing on it angrily. “You know what…” He says with a mouthful of food, “He infuriates me so much, can you believe he had the audacity to tell me, me of all people, that I hadn’t changed at all since high school and I was still living in the past, or however he fucking phrased it. He should take his own bloody advice.” He shoves the last of the pizza into his mouth. “He’s the one who hasn’t changed, he wouldn’t stop whining about how he doesn’t do relationships and he just…” Dan pauses to compose himself. “He didn’t give one fuck about my feelings, he didn’t let me down easy, he may as well have slapped me in the face.” He breathes and leans back against the sofa, letting all the emotions wash over him. “He’s not worth it at all, he wasn’t worth a second of my time. I’m so stupid.”

Oliver nods like he understands and says, “He’s a horrible person Dan, and I’m glad you ended it. Are you done? Okay, we can sleep now, I think. I got the guest room ready for you when you called.”

In the guest room, Dan looks at his reflection in the mirror and realises he has Phil’s hoodie on. He scowls and whips it off and throws it on the floor. “ _ Ugh _ .” He groans loudly, falling back on the bed and covering his face.

“What’s the matter?” Oliver asks, poking his head at the door.

Dan points in the general direction of where he’d thrown the hoodie. “It’s Phil’s.” He turns away and puts his head on the pillow. “I just, this day has been  _ too much _ . Goodnight, Ol. And thank you so much for letting me stay.”

“No problem,” he hears Oliver say. “Goodnight, Dan.” He shuts the door and leaves Dan to _ try _ and sleep. He curls up and pulls the duvet closer so he’s cocooned in it but he can’t fall asleep immediately. That’s always been a problem for him but tonight, his brain won’t shut up about the happenings of the day. Phil’s face, his harsh voice, the door slamming and the constant  _ I can’t love him anymore, I can’t I can’t I can’t _ in his head won’t stop. Eventually though, his eyelids shut and he conks out for the rest of the night.


	4. Chapter 4

Dan wakes up the next morning, completely forgetting what happened the night before. That is until he sits up and checks his phone and wonders why Phil isn’t asleep next to him and why he feels slightly colder than usual. Oh. Yeah. The argument. He buries his head in the pillow and groans, the conversation from yesterday replaying over in his head. He rolls out of bed and notices Phil’s hoodie on the floor where he threw it and remembered he’d have to take it back at some point but the thought of even seeing Phil right now made his stomach churn. He walks into the lounge where Oliver is sat at his laptop.

“Morning Da- Oh my, you do not look good. How are you holding up?”

“I’ve been better.” He replies, flopping down onto the sofa. “Just remembered I need to give Phil his hoodie back as well. Yay!” he says sarcastically.

“Buddy, you are not up for seeing Phil at all today, tomorrow or even next week.”

“Well yes, thank you Oliver for pointing that out.” He says grumpily. “But I told him I’d give it back to him so now I sort of have to.”

“I wouldn’t if I was you, Dan. Fuck him. Keep the hoodie for yourself and use it as a dish cloth or something.”

Dan laughs, “Hmm. Yeah.” He was deep in thought not really paying any attention to what Oliver was saying but instead going over every single interaction between him and Phil these past two months and wondering how on earth he mis-read the signs that badly.

“I could always take it back for you? If you wanted that is, so you don’t have to see him.”

Dan looks up quickly, not realising Oliver was speaking to him. “What? Sorry did you say something?”

“Yeah, I said I could take it back if you wanted. So you don’t have to see him again. I’ll just drop it off and leave I promise.”

Dan eyes him. “Drop it and leave? Yeah right… I know you Ol, you’ll start an argument with him or something that’ll end with him in A&E.”

“Daniel, I am shocked that you think I would do something so drastic. I’m just looking out for you.  Being a good friend and all.”

Somehow Dan agrees and on his way home later that morning he drops Oliver off outside Phil’s flat where Oliver promises not to  _ maim or injure Phil or do anything that will cause anyone to ring 999  _ and Dan gives one look up at Phil’s flat before driving off to go back home and hibernate under his duvet for two weeks and eat nothing but giant bags of cashew nuts and watch repeats of  _ Free! _ . At least he knew Haru would never break his heart.

-

Phil doesn’t sleep well at all. Apparently not having someone to sleep next to messes with your pattern. He wakes up groggily when his alarm rings, and showers quickly.

The doorbell rings when he’s ready to dig into his pancakes, and he goes to it, expecting to see Dan (maybe  _ hoping _ \- that he’s back and they’ll make up and make out), but it isn’t Dan.

It’s Oliver. And he has Phil’s hoodie in his arms. A scowl on his face. Oh shit.

“Morning?” Phil says, trying to sound nice and conversational but it comes out sounding confused.

“I’m here to drop this off.” Oliver says, walking inside briskly, even though Phil didn’t actually invite him in. He shoves the hoodie into Phil’s arms. “Dan didn’t want to see you.”

“Right.” Phil replies, eyebrow raised. “Well, I wouldn’t expect him to want to see me yet.”

Oliver sneers. “Yet?  _ Yet _ ? Phil, he’s heartbroken. He never wants to see you again.  _ Ever _ .”

“We had a fight.”

“He told you he loved you!”

“He doesn’t love me.” Phil insists. “He just  _ thinks _ he does. God, us being like this just reminds him of how we were in school with the feelings and stuff. This was different, and he knew fully well.”

“You don’t get to decide how to feel about someone.” Oliver says slowly, like he thinks Phil isn’t getting it, but he does. He just does  _ not  _ want to discuss this with someone who isn’t Dan.

“Look.” He says, taking a deep breath. “You’ve returned my hoodie, said your bit, given a piece of your mind. You can go now, and tell Dan I don’t care. Goodbye.”

Oliver just scowls and, really, there isn’t much left to say. This wasn’t supposed to be forever, Phil knew that, and if it’s ended in such an ugly way, then it has and there’s nothing anyone can do about that. He turns around and leaves the flat, not shutting the door behind him and there’s the difference between him and Dan. Dan had slammed the door, because he wanted to show how angry he was. Oliver wants Phil to watch him leave.

He scoffs at Oliver’s retreating figure.

-

Phil has the night off and therefore, can’t find someone to bring home as easily as usual. Maybe in the last few months he hadn’t taken notice of his bar customers because he knew he could always call Dan. He almost does it again, but then his brain kicks into gear and he realises he can’t do that anymore.

He sighs. It’d be pathetic to cry over someone he didn’t even have any feelings for. Well, romantic feelings anyway. Dan and Phil go way back and he would’ve still considered him a friend if this ended well. But he should’ve expected it. He should’ve seen it coming; frolicking with an ex who knew the ins and outs of you, who you didn’t need to tell your takeout order to, who knew what movie you’d be in the mood for before even you knew, and didn’t leave before you woke up in the morning. Dan would never.

So Phil doesn’t pine. He puts on his good jeans, a leather jacket over his t-shirt and pushes his hair back. The club. That’s what he needs.

He’s been there for half an hour and already downed two beers and a vodka shot. The alcohol helps clear his mind and not think about- Well, not think about anything. He likes being single, he likes being alone and the last thing he needs is pretty boy Dan waltzing into his life and messing with his head. He’s better off without him, he’s better off alone.

It’s almost as if God had heard him and decided to play a practical joke on him because no sooner had he thought that when a rather attractive guy comes over and sits next to Phil.

“You here by yourself?” The man asks, leaning towards Phil as he sips from his drink.

“Me? Yeah yeah, just needed to get out of the house.”

“I know exactly how you feel, living alone is awful.”

Great. The one night he wants to be left alone and God sends down to him one of the most attractive guys he’d ever seen. He has nice hair, nice eyes (although not as warm as Dan’s) and a welcoming smile. No dimples though, shame. Phil rather liked dimples. Especially on Dan when he smiled whenever Phil said something nice to him.  _ Fuck. What was he doing? He’d come out for the exact reason to not think of Dan and now he’s sat here comparing this stranger to him? _

The stranger must have noticed Phil’s staring and taken it to mean he was interested. “Wanna go sit somewhere a bit quieter?”

Phil clears his head.  _ Fuck it. This is what he came here for. He wasn’t about to refuse.  _ He nods and follows the stranger (whose name is Dylan he’s just learned) over to the back of the club to sit in a booth.

Perhaps it’s the alcohol or perhaps it’s the mix of feelings going on inside his head but they haven’t been sat down more than ten minutes and Dylan’s all over him. His hands are in Phil’s hair, pulling a bit too roughly for Phil’s liking. Dan would never pull that hard, he always had such a gentle touch no matter what he was doing…  _ Shit shit. No. Get Dan out of your head.  _ He concentrates on Dylan’s lips against his and runs his hand up Dylan’s waist and leans into him. Dylan obviously enjoys it as he lets out a quiet moan against Phil’s lips. Dylan pulls away and rests a hand on Phil’s thigh as he leans in.

“My flat isn’t too far? Wanna go and catch up there?” He whispers into Phil’s ear.

Phil looks up at him,”Yeah sure, Dan.”  _ Fuck. _

“Who the hell’s Dan?”

“Oh no one just an ex, nothing he’s nothing I just…” Phil couldn’t quite get out the words and runs a hand through his hair as Dylan leans forward to kiss up Phil’s jawline as he moves his hand further up Phil’s thigh.

Phil bites the inside of his cheek and shakes Dylan off him forcefully. “Fuck I’m sorry. Look, I’m sure you’re really nice I just...I just can’t do this right now. I need to uh… I need to leave.” And with that he rushes out of his seat and pushes his way through the crowd until he’s outside in the fresh air.

His head's a mess of thoughts with one half telling him to get his ass back in there and the other telling him to go and apologise to Dan with the hopes of making things up with him. The alcohol isn’t helping him think straight and he just wants to scream for about half an hour to let out all his thoughts. His body seems to take over his mind and before he knew it he was hailing a taxi and giving the driver Dan’s address.

-

Predictably, Dan isn’t the happiest to see Phil at the door. “Can I help you?” He asks, tone dripping in venom.

Phil stares at him because he can’t believe he’s actually just come to Dan’s house completely messed up, but it doesn’t hurt to try, right? “I, uh,” he starts, “Can I come in, please?”

“Not until you tell me what you’re here for.” Dan replies, leaning against the doorframe, crossing his arms.

“I just want to  _ talk _ .” Phil insists.

Dan rolls his eyes. “Yeah, alright. I know you, Phil. This is just one of your ways to get me to have sex with you. Okay, come on in, I’ll just take all my clothes off, get on the table and then you can fuck me until tomorrow.”

Phil frowns; he’s confused because for once, he’s  _ not _ after anything except maybe forgiveness and it’s backfiring. “You know what, just. Forget it. I was at the club and this guy wanted to take me home and -”

“A  _ day _ .” Dan interrupts, scoffing. “It took you  _ one _ day. And you have the audacity to come back here looking like this, like you’ve come directly from him to me, with your lips all plump and eyes blown…” His eyes rake over Phil’s figure quickly and then look over his shoulder like he can’t anymore.

“I  _ didn’t _ . I stopped it before it could go any further. Dan, I’m  _ sorry _ . I just need you to hear me say that and forgive me.”

Dan visibly swallows. He runs a hand through his hair and sighs. “I don’t know...you did a horrible thing, Phil.”

“I know.” Phil looks down at his shoes. “Look. I know this doesn’t sound sincere and you have no reason to, but please. I’m seriously messed up right now, and I may not feel for you what you do - did, now probably - but I still care about you, Dan. And -”

“Still care about me? Yeah see now that sounds familiar Phil, because that’s exactly what you said when we broke up five years ago and then lo and behold you never texted me again. So if that’s your way of showing you care then I don’t want it.”

Phil wants to argue, but his head is woozy and he thinks he’s actually going to fall. Maybe Dan sees that, because he reaches forward and steadies him.

“Wow, you’re really drunk.” He observes.

“Yeah.” Phil mutters. And sleepy, he realises. He should’ve just gone with that guy, Dylan? At least he’d be in bed by then.

“Well...you can stay here. Just for tonight. In the guestroom.” Phil doesn’t even care. He lets Dan lead him to the room and leave him there to get ready for bed.

He doesn’t think about Dan in the next room, so close to him. He doesn’t think about how he can’t go there and sleep next to him. As soon as his head falls on the pillow, he’s out for the rest of the night.

-

Phil doesn’t expect to be awake at 7AM, but his eyes practically fly open. He looks around and notices he isn’t at home, but there’s no one next to him so he obviously didn’t get here because of  _ that _ .

He’s at Dan’s. Suddenly, he remembers everything. And that standing up too quickly isn’t a good idea since he also has the worst hangover. But Dan let him stay. That was nice of him after everything Phil did and said.

God, he really doesn’t want to be here when Dan wakes up. He gets dressed quickly and runs out to the front door before stopping. Wait. He can’t just run. He owes Dan. He spots a notepad and pen on the coffee table and goes to pick them up to leave a note.

“Goodbye, Dan.” He whispers to no one in particular and closes the door softly behind him.

-

Dan wakes up at around 9:30AM and it isn’t until he’s halfway down the hallway does he remember that Phil had come round last night and Dan, being the decent guy he was had let him stay over in the guestroom. He walks back towards the guestroom and pushes the door open. Dan shouldn’t be surprised he’s not there, yet a part of him was hoping he would be. Maybe he would have stayed to say goodbye to Dan properly, but of course Phil being Phil he’d clearly just left.

Dan scoffs and walks into his lounge yawning loudly as he sits down on the sofa. His flat his weirdly quiet and Dan doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. Had Phil really meant that apology? Or was it just his drunken mind speaking for him? His mind is running over everything that happened when he spots a note on his coffee table. He raises an eyebrow and leans forward to pick it up.

_ Sorry for everything I did and said. I hope you find someone else who will make you pancakes and watch anime with you. I think seeing you after so many years made my old habits come out. But I’m not the right guy for that now. Some things are just for the past. I think we’re better off this way. Phil x _

Dan lets out a breath and rubs his eyes.  _ Yeah, maybe they were better off this way. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yeah. direct all complaints to [this person](http://danhowellz.tumblr.com) here. or read the epilogue before you do.


	5. Epilogue

_ Two years later _

His alarm goes off. 7:30am. The perks of being promoted to executive producer at the radio station one could say. Dan rolls over to turn it off and stumbles out of bed, rubbing his eyes as he makes his way to the bathroom. He’d been promoted 2 months ago and yet was still not used to waking up at this time of the morning.

He didn’t have time for breakfast as he rushed around his flat trying to find his keys and wallet, before shoving them into his bag and rushing down the stairs of his building towards his car. 8:56am was when he walked into the radio station. He started at 9pm. Good thing he was the boss so had nobody above him to tell him off for being late.

The day was running smoothly, the morning shows had gone well. Dan’s big meeting with some local business clients had gone swimmingly and he was just sitting down for lunch when he got a text from Jamie, his boyfriend.

To Dan:

_ You still on for movie night tonight? I’ve bought popcorn especially for it. _

From Dan:

_ Yeah of course. I can’t wait! See you at 7 :] _

Dan grins at his screen. He’d been with Jamie for all of 2 months and he had honestly never remembered being so happy. Well, maybe he had but he didn’t like to think about  _ that.  _ Dan didn’t really like to dwell on that particular time in his life, which is why it had been pushed to the back of his mind. He remembered talking to Oliver after the whole ordeal was over and practically sobbing into Oliver’s chest complaining that  _ he’d never be happy again  _ and that  _ he might as well give up on love now.  _ Well, thank God he didn’t. Or he wouldn’t have found Jamie.

It was a Tuesday afternoon which meant Dan would be on the radio co-hosting with Jacob. He always loved being live on air, that was something about it that made his whole body buzz with excitement. Also the fact that since him and Jamie had been dating, Jamie had listened to the show every week which probably added to the reason why Dan felt he might explode every Tuesday afternoon.

The show had been going for an hour and Dan had relaxed by now. Four months he’d been doing this show and he still got ridiculously nervous every time the show began.

“Ok and up next we have a new one from Ed Sheeran. Quite a romantic track for your Tuesday afternoon. Now Daniel. My dearest co-host.”

“What is it, Jacob?”

“Anyone in particular you’d like to dedicate this song to? Do you have a special someone out there?”

Dan’s face dropped and his cheeks turned bright red. Thank god the listeners couldn’t see his face as he glares across at Jacob, who had a wide smirk on his face.

“Uh… Uh…” He stumbles over his words trying to keep his cool on live air. “Yeah I’d like to dedicate this one to my partner Jamie. They’re um… they’re listening now so um, hi Jaime. I guess this one’s for you.”

Jacob looks stunned that Dan actually rose to his bait as he presses play and takes off his headphones. “Well well Dan. Didn’t expect you to be so bold.”

Dan inhales and stares across at him. “I think you’re forgetting Jacob that I’m your boss. So pull another  _ fucking  _ stunt like that and I’ll fire you.”

Jacob laughs and fiddles with some of the controls. “Good joke Dan. I’m sure Jamie will really appreciate the song. I know he’s listening.”

Which was right. Jamie was listening and as soon as Dan had said his name on the radio he’d texted Dan immediately.

To Dan:

_ Omg that was so sweet :3 u really are the best boyfriend in the wooooorrrld!! _

Dan reads the text and grins, feeling some of the heat leave his cheeks.

From Dan:

_ Don’t expect such romantic gestures from me every week :p _

-

Phil laughs at the joke the customer across from him cracks. Not because it’s funny; it’s his job. No complaints though, it gets him good tips most of the time. 

LA was a good idea. Phil moved a year ago, to stay with a friend but pretty soon moved out and got a place of his own. Some people might resent the loneliness that comes with living alone but Phil thrives on having new people to see and bringing them over for drinks, a chat, maybe more if he’s lucky. And he is, most of the time. 

“Hey, you from around here? Don’t sound like it.” The guy asks now, gulping down the last of his drink. 

Phil shakes his head. “Nah. Lived in London for about four or something years. I was hoping a year in California would change my accent but apparently not.”

“Nope. But I think a Cali accent would make you less attractive.” 

Phil raises an eyebrow. “Right, uh…” 

“Ethan.”

“Ethan. I’m Phil.” 

Ethan’s eyes twinkle; they’re brown, Phil notices. Familiar, but he doesn’t dwell further than that. Even though Ethan’s done, he sticks around and talks to Phil, asks about life in London, but he doesn’t pry. He’s one of the nicer ones. It’s almost the end of Phil’s shift so he calls to Jack and tells him he’s leaving early. Walking two steps ahead of Ethan, he smiles to himself.

It’s not that much different to living in London but it is somehow. Not having Dan might have something to do with it. There’ll be a time he’ll miss him, but nothing past his company. Phil still doesn’t think he could do the relationship thing. Not until the right person comes along. But he’s realistic, he knows it could take  _ years _ for that kind of love to come around. It’s nothing like what he and Dan had when they were kids. That kind of thing is better left in the adolescence of youth. It’s  _ definitely _ not what they had two years ago. 

No, this is good. This is right. For both of them. 


End file.
